I feel like I can see you, sitting there having read the title of this post and thinking ‘Huh?’
It’s not always a good thing, but I have spent my entire life taking things the wrong way. I take everything personally, or I usually do would be a better way to describe myself. In turn I take every slight on me as a challenge.
I’m marking today as the day that I’m starting a degree. This is something I’d never have expected that I’d do. These past few years have been full of my own personal set of things I’d never thought I’d do, I have to say I’m very proud of myself.
How has negativity helped me?
As a child I had low expectations of everyone including myself. This was due to things that I shouldn’t have seen or experienced. I took a negative outlook on the world and the people within it. A childhood friend of mines father told me, aged around twelve or thirteen, without hesitation. “Lucy, you’ll be living in a council flat, pregnant at seventeen.”
It was a disgusting thing to say to a child, but if he hadn’t of said that maybe I would have.
I moved schools several times in the pivotal years of my education. I’d just sat my GCSE’s and I knew I hadn’t got any. My mom suggested that maybe I should join the armed services, based on the fact that I was sure I wouldn’t get into college. I was desperate to leave home at that point. My mother and I are so similar that living together wasn’t always great. We now share probably one of the best, open, and honest relationships I’ve ever seen a mother and a daughter have.
Anyway, I didn’t believe I could get into the RAF, I probably wouldn’t have if my uncle didn’t work in the careers office at the time. Nerves were always an issue for my brain performing to it’s optimum.
In turn I got into college and achieved a healthy set of GCSE’s. *face palm*
I was set to go. College was for losers. I was going to the university of life! That I did!
I say that, but the RAF has a great education programme. You sign up and pay for a course and when you complete it they give you 80% of your money back! Three cheers for Lucy!
I took: Accountancy, Law, English Literature and Language, and probably some that I was too drunk to remember signing up for! I only ever completed the English Literature and Language. Considering I didn’t read half of the literature I was lucky that I passed!
I got a reputation for never finishing anything that I started.
How did I break the habit?
I had my son in October 2008 (see, I could complete a project!) and found out I was pregnant with a girl early in 2010. I always loved cross stitch, but I was terrible at finishing them.
I was excited about having a daughter so I ordered two huge projects and a smaller one for her nursery. I was showing my husband and a friend huge pieces of fabric and talking animatedly about how great the would look. They looked at each other and laughed, “You’ll never finish them, Lucy!” That was probably the reason I did finish them.
That was when life changed for the better.
Obviously, as you start to continually achieve people start to change their minds. Their expectation of you grows into a healthier attitude.
Now, it’s my own negativity that drives me forward. I wrote ‘Falling to Pieces’ with a mind full of diatribe. I constantly and consistently told myself I couldn’t write a book. I am always filled with self-doubt.
I said I’d never be doing this:
Then when it was out there things changed to ‘No-one will like it. I’ll only get five stars from my friends.’ Maybe thats why I cry every time I get a random review.
You may think this is a very bad attitude to have, but this is what drives me. I aim to blow my own mind with every challenge. When that challenge is complete I allow myself a day to feel happy about it and then move onto the next thing that ‘I can’t do.’ For me this is the only way to live.
So, no, there’s absolutely no way on this god given earth I’ll ever complete my BA (hons) in humanities. In fact I won’t even manage to complete the first section of it.
I hope you’re not waiting for ‘Falling Apart’ because it will never be finished. Plus, what I’ve written so far is a pile of crap anyway. 😉
This is how I roll 😀